What if ???

Well, what if we had the chance to change some things in our lives and amend what we have done wrong or what we wanted do or be at a certain point in our life? Now this is just from my perspective and should not be a reflection on what others think or feel. I know that there are many things I would have loved to change and deep down inside, my insecurities speak of it all, and part of it stems from me not being able to be myself. This must have started from the time when I realized what I was, in terms of my sexuality that is and what I felt at that time. Trying to hide and being aware of some things and wondering if what I was doing was a sin [as others think that being gay is a sin], and what if I was going through a change, a phase as some think that being gay is, but would be better later, in life that is.

I guess we all learn the hard way but  we never truly escape from our demons, and although we may chase them away, they always wait for us when we feel vulnerable and then attack us in the best way they can. Here are some of the things that I still do when I feeling insecure, and these are the things that I want to change in my life and I am working on that on a day to day basis….

- I comfort eat when I stress out, but these days instead of doing that, I drink water or have liquids, [No Alcohol is not included].

- I feel that my body is out of proportion, but am starting to love it slowly, [Paolo loves the way I am so I don’t have to worry abt that].

- I wished that I could change some things in my life but then I wonder that if I would be here at all writing this blog and my insecurities??  Also, would I have met Paolo, or would I have had the chance to take care of a wonderful sister as Zainab??? [changing history makes you take a different path or makes a different timeline].

- Some of the things that I would have done was say sorry to my Dad that I couldn't do much  for him, apologise to all that I have hurt intentionally or unintentionally, and also amend some small things and best of all would have been to come out to myself and accept all the things that I am, in the early days, so that I would have avoided having a low self esteem.

Some of the more interesting things would be able to fly…. I guess I have been watching the TV series HEROES [part of that is the X-MEN series too] and I guess it’s what part of evolution is about, mutation of the genes to be able do things that were impossible…..would love to appear and disappear at will as that would be fun…. LOL I guess we all have someone inside us trying to be something that we are not, our alter ego…..I have mine too.