Failing

There comes a point in life when we as humans beings come to realize that we have failed in many things. I am not perfect and yet I strive to achieve that something of a little bit of perfection. In the last few days, it has been a topsy turvy of mental stress and frustrations of the internet  and I cannot come online at night and that’s one of my biggest peeves. I just went through a lot of my mind  and some journals recently as trying to wake up my past and all that I found that I was afraid of something, I was afraid of failing and I have failed in so many things and places. I have failed myself, because I believe that I am not a good human being and tend to destroy myself first and foremost my relationships and my mind.I have failed myself as a human and I have not been able to do what most men do and have… that is being straight.

I have failed my mother for not being a straight man, and not being able to give her the grandchild or family that she wants,  at the time when it’s important for mothers at that age to have a daughter in law and grandchildren.

I failed my late father for not being able to help him get over his alcohol addiction and making him better so that he could have lived more in this life and he could have advised me in life.

I have failed my brother and sister in many ways.

I have failed because I did not live up to the expectations of  my friends, family and some people whom I love. It really doesn’t matter to me if they live up to my expectations or not. All I know that I have not done things I have had to do on this earth.

My friendships don’t last long, my relationships break before they even start…. my life is a mess, all in all I am a failure.

Most of all, I have failed my relationships and I am sorry to say this that once again that dark depressive demons which lurk in the corner of my mind have taken over me and are making me and my life miserable. I have failed Paolo, and I have been unable to reciprocate his love and mind. I am sorry for all this happening to me but I have never ever found myself to be in a high esteem and all the time my low self esteem was building up, and the more I tried to resist it, the more it became stronger….. I feel I am unworthy of anyone and I guess I am not that strong..

So all in all…. today the 28th of September will be my last entry of my blog. I am not sure if I will write another  or do what but I think and feel, I am tired of all this and I cannot go on another step without feeling bad about myself and living dual personalities. The only thing that I have promised myself that when I reach a certain age, and if I am unable to provide for myself in life and if i am a burden on someone else, I will end my life. I do not want to be dependent on anyone and surely I do not want to live an old man’s life alone in this world.

Life is always what it has been and no matter how much we hide the truth from others, it always surfaces on ourselves, and some of us are strong and some of us are not strong to be able to hide truth and for those who are not, we fail ourselves in life.

I guess my epitaph on the tombstone will read this

“ Shaffin, Loser and Failure of all times”

I am not sorry…… but I regret a lot of things because I have FAILED.

AVOIR……. good bye……………..