Emotions

I was watching a movie the other day and it was a love story of sorts and suddenly I realized that I have forgotten how to love a loved one. I mean I was watching a movie but those emotions didn't stir anything in me and i was left wondering why?
I know that earlier this year when I decided that my priority would be my sister and her education and love and all that baggage that comes with it would be left on the side and not be concentrated on, I didn't know that I would shut myself off from loving... loving a lover that is and not a family love, like you love a sibling or a parent.
And suddenly I gather that I don't feel anything at all.... HA!! I know it's crazy but I feel like I can shut things out of my life if I want to, by just believing and concentrating hard enough that I do not want it or don't want to do a particular thing or vice versa....

On the other hand is it healthy for me to do that by cutting of emotions that make us all human and strong and because of those emotions we can overcome certain barriers in life and move on or suppress them and do crazy things???

At the moment, I am getting ready to embark on our journey to Zainab's destination for her college... I dread traveling and it reminds me of the time when I went with my brother to Arusha and it was a very long journey, I know I could fly but then it's twice expensive and at the moment I am trying to curb all the expenses and trying to save money.

Educating Zainab

well....time for an update, I gather I have been acting like my other blogging friends who write only once a month and they do, I, it seems have not blogged for more then a month and there is an excuse, laziness and procrastination.
Apparently I have been working on where to send my sister Zainab... she just finished her 'O' levels at the Iringa International School and so she wanted to do nursing and child care but just looking at the journals and medical books that she has to read and attend classes and make her own notes just makes her cringe, so she has a chance to do something different and I will be dropping her off at an academy where she can hone her art of making self beauty and all that stuff, and then she can decide what she wants, the other option is doing a diploma and a degree in art which she loves so all in all it is her choice and also she wants to do something with fashion, designing/management and business/consultancy... whatever the package is or comes with.

Tough as it may seem for me, my baby sister has grown up and ready to leave home. I guess she would have wasted her time if I had asked her to stay at home for a year, let her see the world and know how it is to stand on her own two feet.

By the way, we have a new kitten/cat, the last one got nicked by people who move up and down the alley which is a freeway for people using the bathroom at the end of the house...well outside the house. I mean customers and locals who have shops nearby. Why one couldn't ask is still a mystery to me, and why steal in the first place... a kitten for God's sake????
Some people will do anything HUH!!!!

Happenings

By reading people's and friends blogs, I have just realised how much I miss blogging and writing about what I feel. This weekend I am taking Jenny to Dar es Salaam and introduce her to her special friend whom she met online and they have been friends for quiet sometime, and this is a litmus test for me to see how I react to this guy being friends with my lil kid sister, Apart from that its a small getaway for me before the month of celebrations starts all over again.... so many things to in so less a time.... there are a lot of things that I would like to achieve in life but I guess we all are not so successful as we want to be and though we aspire to be something and do something in life, there are always drawbacks which make not be able to go forward in life

Lately I have been so busy and am working hard and keeping my mind off on the one thing that I really like and want. I guess I don't have much time for that these days that is loving and wanting a companion, which is not on my top of the 'want' list at the moment......

Listening to Private dancer/ Tina Turner and wondering what we all do... do we all want money or do we strive for that perfect love ... hard to understand and know, what I exactly want at this point in my life. I gather my priorities are getting Jenny educated and settled in life.

Man I have been so lazy and out of touch lately... I hope to update my blog soon... Hugs folks

Crushes!!!

Honestly can I say something that will offend you guys...in a way that will make you laugh also...
Why do I have to have a CRUSH on everyday people, and it happens all the time, no matter where I go or where I am, if I look at any given direction and if I find that guy handsome, I already have a crush on him.
I still don't understand why do I need to have this fixation, and at times it also drives me crazy.
Has anybody gone through a similar thing?
Let me know!!!

Saying Bon Voyage!

Like many friendships, relationships, and such at times have to end, or goodbyes are said or there is a parting of some sorts, I don't mean in ending totally but by separating or by leaving or moving to different places and such.
My good friend Natasha and her fiancé Paul who is a musician, are going away, meaning moving to to Australia, where Natasha resides and is living. She was here for her research and now she and her partner are going away for a new life, but that does not mean I will not hear from them or be in touch, It's just that at times we say good bye and we don't really mean it cos we actually don't want them to go.
Goodbyes and separation of sorts are hard for me and I am one person who, when likes a person, finds it hard to emotionally detach when they leave, and at times I will be sad for a few days thinking I wish I had spent more time with her, knowing her better but then I still say, what we had was wonderful and I really care for her and wish her and Paul the best in life. To my wonderful friends.... Paul and Natasha

Procrastinating

I know I have been procrastinating and thats no good. I have been having tooth problems as mentioned earlier and I finally had to go to Dar es Salaam to have my tooth fixed after an infection that would not go away much. Anyway I am still on that process of fixing it [my tooth], and I hope to have a sturdy set of whats left of my teeth.
I also have been busy with making cookies for the cafe and am slowly getting the knack of it.... I hope that manage to sell well as they did a few weeks ago. Have been a semi vegetarian for the last few months and I feel the weight falling off slowly, and I don't want it to be fast as all my skin will be loose and saggy.....!!!
I pretty much gather that I am on the right goal of getting to my life sorted out and much more then just having a pretty boyfriend or man around.
Hope to share more pictures with you on flickr...

been lazy.....

Well, I have been lazy and apart from that, Mum and my sister have gone to Dar for the big celebrations. His Highness The Agakhan arrived in Dar es Salaam on the 16th of August and there has been around 17000 approx, Ismailis in the city all of them for the gathering at the Diamond Jubilee hall.
I know I didn't go and I have my reasons. My mum was disappointed and well can't say much.
Apart from all this one of my friend Liam, was on holiday from UK and it was good to see him and reminisce good olden days.
My guests that were here on the 9th till the 13th have been in Dar and have not heard from them... C'est la vie.... LOL
I hope to post photos of the happenings in Dar that is when my sister gets them back to me.

Things that you don't know....

Things that you may not know about me.

• I read Harry Potter : The Deathly Hallows
• I went to see the movie Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
• I have had a toothache for a week now
• I have turned vegetarian since 12 days
• I sleep well if I eat earlier then 6.00 pm
• I realized that I have a lot more gray hair then I thought on my beard
• Am doing minor repairs on my vehicle.
• I don't like coffee as much as I love tea
• There are a lot of celebrations regarding the upcoming gathering on the 17th in Dar
• I have not lost any weight.
• I hate it when people are not polite with me and it really jump starts me and I get angry
• I am 40 and single
• I love cooking and tasting different dishes
  
• I dot on my young sister and I spoil her very much

MMmmmm this is what I did today...

hey hope that the glass does not shatter with this look. I was hoping that I would do my killer smile but I guess I may have over done it....

The name old man of Aran comes from a song by Nik Kershaw's 'The riddle', and I really like the song and hence the blog name.

The Riddle

i got two strong arms
blessings of babylon
with time to carry on
and try
for sins and alarms
so to america the brave
wise men save

near a tree by a river
there's a hole in the ground
where an old man of aran
goes around and around
and his mind is a beacon
in the veil of the night
for a strange kind of fashion
there's a wrong and a right
but he'll never, never fight over you

i got plans for us
nights in the scullery
and days instead of me
i only know what to discuss
of for anything but light
wise men fighting over you

it's not me you see
pieces of valentine
with just a song of mine
to keep from burning history
seasons of gasoline and gold
wise men fold

near a tree by a river
there's a hole in the ground
where an old man of aran
goes around and around
and his mind is a beacon
in the veil of the night
for a strange kind of fashion
there's a wrong and a right
but he'll never, never fight over you

i got time to kill
sly looks in corridors
without a plan of yours
a blackbird sings on bluebird hill
thanks to the calling of the wild
wise mens child

near a tree by a river
there's a hole in the ground
where an old man of aran
goes around and around
and his mind is a beacon
in the veil of the night
for a strange kind of fashion
there's a wrong and a right
but he'll never, never fight over you

Butts and bubbles

I have been having this imperfection, [now that's me and my thinking]. I have a small butt and no matter what exercise I do...[do I do any????], I have always had a small bum and now I would be ecstatic if I had anything like this. I know that we should be grateful for what we have but I always wish that I had it bubble butt that would attract so called partners[read boyfriends, man]. Life huh! Imperfections and it's misery.......!!

Back....

Here I am after a long and hard earned session on what life is all about. I think I have chased my demons [well have them in control] although Mr. Loneliness and his friend the weird Miser Depression still haunt me at times and try to get me into their life, but I resist and have come to accept my faults and knowing that there are things in life that I cannot get but if I cannot get them, it does not mean I cannot give to others, and thats what I have decided on giving, that is through friendship and relationship I can give love and let people know what I am all about.
I know and understand that all through my ups and downs, my friends have supported me and for those of you who know who you are and have stood by me on my times of need,[emotionally and well physically] I am glad that I had you near me.
I also have accepted that in life I may never find the one true person who loves me or the one I truly love. Hard and harsh as it may seem, it not so bad when I have you folks around me.
I will keep you posted on my doings and wrong doings, and for all of you who know me on what i am and have accepted me for what I am, I thank you all.
I also want to let you know that I suffer from low self esteem and no matter how you praise me or how much you care, I will always feel way beneath then what I am, and I am being honest here. I now how much such a thing can bring a person down but then at least i have accepted and am learning to cope with it.
bless you friends.... and Big Hugs
Last week I was in Dar and I went to relax, and brought the new Harry Potter book and a few more, so at least i have reading material now.
Please be sure to let me know on your comments.

I cannot believe that I feel so sad over life, it's just been so overwhelming for me recently that I am losing all hope- not as in finishing myself but in finding a partner for myself, and I also have stopped believing in it too.
Sad that I am living in a part of world where happiness counts as earning money or having riches and how much wealth one has. No one cares anymore if I am gay or why am I single or anything of that matter.
Someone asked me why wasn't I married and I said it was a preference, and that person was so open in asking me if I had any problem healthwise [meaning if I was impotent] and I just said NO, it was just a preference. What can I say?
Sometimes I feel, I should have been born a straight man so that I would not have gone through so much emotional sadness and also all this about having a partner.... what a life...!

I just realised that I still have a crush on my first love. While looking at some old pics I came across an old pic of mine and I thought, yes I have never gotten over him, although he was not in love with me, I was with him and I didn't know that at time it would pain me so much that deep down when I see pics in the present, I still hurt in a different way, sort of happy pain....

thats me at my present location....

Friends visiting

Yesterday was a nice day and I did what I felt like. I had to do a few cakes of which I did and although I have not taken any pics, I will let you know that 2 were plain vanilla iced cakes for birthdays, one was a chocolate fudge cake with fudge frosting on top..... and the last one was a cream filled cake with strawberries, like a black forest gateau. Love my work at times.

While doing those cakes, my teacher who had taught me in the primary years came with her son and actually they have been family friends with our family and me and my brother have grown up together with their kids and now my brother being the best friend to her eldest son and I being a good friend to her daughter, it feels like as if I finished school yesterday.

At first they thought that they would surprise me but it's a small town and somehow the word did get around that they were visiting and so I was not surprised or shocked, although it would have been great if I could have invited the whole clan of 19 people home for dinner but then my mum and sis had already made plans and i had to stay and keep the cafe open, but I did visit them later in the day. They were visiting here with her son's, in-laws and the whole clan were at the Campsite. I went there back in the evening to visit them and although they did insist that I stay over and have 'boko boko' with them, I had to decline that offer as I had to get back to town early and had to run the cafe.

Our family and My teachers family go a long way back and we have come come along despite having our quarrels and ups and downs and finally just patching it up and getting on with life, and it would be all wrong if we threw away some 40-45 years of friendship and after all it does no one good.
Their son is a my brother's best friend, I am close to their daughter and my mum and teacher have been close friends. They were here at short notice when my dad passed away so that makes them family.

Me, myself and I.

I am back....I know it was hard to leave everything and delete but I guess, I was going through a transition and had a lot of problems in the sense that one and all of my friends never supported me in what i was going through... hard as it may seem, I needed their help but they never wrote, and instead those from whom I did not expect, did write.
So all in all I am starting afresh and getting on with life. I know that I will never get acceptance from my mom or some of my relatives, on some issues but then I have to live my life and I do what's best, that is enjoy it and do what I want to do.

Yesterday, my sis Jenny had a big talk with my mom regarding sexuality issues and whether being gay or lesbian is accepted, but from what it seemed, our mom refused to speak on any terms about these issues and I was sort of hurt that why wouldn't she just accept the fact that it's ok, and I her son am gay? Hard huh?

Apart from all this, issues at the so called school with the teachers leaving, have not been resolved, and I hope that they do that asap. I hate anyone to get hurt, and I think I have talked about this before that I don't want to be judgmental like Cruella de Ville, by blaming others for what they have not done, and take things to a different level.
I gather that we all have to forgive but to what extent???? One of my fellow bloggers says this in 'SINS'.