One of the typical days in my life involves getting stuff from the market, vegetables, tinned stuff, meats and that is some of the things that may not be delivered at home. I have to go and order some of them or pick up some of the goods that my other staff, either ‘forgot’ or did not get… ! i am sure you will know how life in Iringa has changed, well not much but there are quiet a few buildings coming up, ‘mushrooming’ as we say.
I bet this will look funny, but this was taken when jenny was small and somewhere at the age of 6 or 7… I used to dress her up and jeans dresses and baby hats, here with me and her is Meera, and her brother Chirag.
Well… How do you tell your mother on how you feel and what you are? Is there any rule that written or something that has to be followed or is there a line that one should draw before saying anything to Mothers?
I and our mother share such a bond that we talk and we argue and we care and all that motherly/son love, BUT how do you tell your mother , who has raised you as a child, and expected you to marry and have grandchildren some day, and see her happy, that you are gay? Does she know it and can she sense all that feelings we have for a same sex person? I mean if mothers know then why do not they tell us to be happy and be what we want to be. This is a big dilemma and it’s hard for me to know what she may be feeling at times. Or maybe she may be thinking that I have some kind of deformity and cannot be sexually aroused and do not want women for that reason? It's hard for me to even ask her if she is ok on me not marrying because it’s my choice!
Ok so if mothers know and feel what we are, then why don’t they open up and say to us, ‘ Son, I’d like you to be happy, no matter what you are, as long as you are not a murderer or a thief….?’ Maybe we are categorized in such a way that if we were thieves and were straight, it really would not have mattered, but because we are gay, it really makes a difference for us to be seen in public holding hands or showing affection and love for same sex.
[When I say we, I speak for all gay people, man and woman].
I just wish that we would be accepted within our culture and not be targeted to an extent of being killed or ostracized, or be the ridicule of the society where acceptance are followed by what people call, the ‘so called norm’.
My reason for saying all this was today, when I showed my mother some family pics from my uncle on the email, I opened the pics with Picasa, and suddenly after editing the image for better viewing I tried to save it but instead it took me to the temp file where there were also other pics of naked men from the websites I have visited, although they were of thumbnail size, I am sure if my mother saw what she saw, I don’t know what at that time she was thinking and what was running into her mind that me, her son, was some perverted sick man who loved or likes to watch naked men on the net. Ok regarding the above on who doesn’t look at porn these days, when it’s so apparent in our normal world - I digress. but the thing is, had I been accepted, then this conversation would have been like, ‘ Opps ok Mama, close your eyes now, you shouldn’t be looking at all those naked men at this age’. But NO, although mothers know, but won’t say it…..it hurts.
In the last few weeks, I got to know a wonderful man and we have been talking and communication is most important. So we are communicating and getting to stage where we can …well be there for each other…anyway, something similar struck me when he showed my photo to his mum and she exclaimed,’ Oh he is big’. now instead of saying ‘oh he is big and is he gay?’… it was just that and my friend said ‘Awww,,,yes ‘ …. and to me it was ok… still mothers know but won’t accept…. WHY????? that is the main question!!!!!!!!!!!
I think Mothers should be able to know and learn that it’s okay to accept and it’s not that we are failures or losers or blame anyone for that matter… we are what we are and some may call it a natural anomaly within the same sex….I know that I cannot blame any one for what I am or the way I was born.
[ If you are reading this pal, then I am sure you know who you are and where you live since I have not mentioned your name or caste or country-I like keeping a little bit of mystery to myself after all].
Comments on this please…..Phew….
Well more cakes and this is what I did today, apart from my photography passion which cannot be released due to not having a good camera, but that too will be sorted as I may buy a Canon SLR digital from a friend and then I can take good photos of people and landscapes and of course my food.
That's for the time being….and so here are more of today's cakes.
