being honest but is it worth?

Yesterday, I wrote to my love and explained to him this is how i felt. I was honest about it and well partly sad and angry too. I hope you too reader will know or try to get to see if you were in my situation and how you would have dealt with it.
My friend was going to visit me in a few months time and I was really excited for him to come over but the situation lay after him going back. Coping with someone you love and being with him and then him going away....where does that leave me? I have had relationships and the pain that I have gone through is not worth a trip here..... so this is what I wrote:-

Dearest [so and so]

I hope this finds you in the best of health and mind and I pray that you are doing well in work and in life too.

The Reason I am writing this email is because I want you to know and understand how I feel and what I want in life. It’s not as simple as it sounds and not complicated as it should be, but hear me out and then make your own decisions.



I was very happy that you decided to take time off and come and visit me here in Tanzania and am excited too but my line of excitement ends here as I have nothing more to offer you than my friendship. I know I am being hard on myself and also hard on you but I cannot help it. I don’t want to hurt or be in a situation where I have to make myself go crazy by wanting more than a friendship and I know I cannot get that here from you, not here.



The reason I am saying this is because, once you are here it will be great and we can enjoy and have fun, but what about when you leave from here, do we pick up the pieces and start where we left off and forget about what we had that was special? I don’t want to live on memories while I know that I can or could have you or the man who wants to spend his lifetime with me and I want to do the same. What am I getting into, I don’t know but what I want is this, I can offer you friendship and NO more than that.



I know and understand how hurtful it must be by reading this and I am paining as much by feeling and writing this today but I am honest with you and I do not want under any circumstance to lead you into believing and lying to you that I do not love you, I do but this is one thing I cannot do to myself. I have seen hurt and pained over past relationships which have ended with me losing my mind and at this stage I am not ready and cannot afford to do that to you or myself.



I hope you will understand my dilemma and look from my point of view. I am putting myself in your shoes and thinking if I were to do that to someone else, how would that person feel or go through after having gone through so much of love and togetherness. I guess, I would feel guilty and would feel that I have used that person but left him hanging with nothing in life to move or look forward for.



This is not personal but I don’t want to get hurt or hurt you in anyway. Please do write to me and let me know how you feel.



Love you very much buddy

Shaff

I still have not heard from him and i can understand him thinking that I duped him but if he was sincere and really in love, would not he have coaxed me or written anything back or responded with anger or whatever? Am I looking into a closure or what. I also broke up with a friend from the city as he was texting me something and accusing me of something I did not do, and whether that text was meant for me or not, this person did not justify why he sent that sms, so I sent him and sms saying that I did not want any BS from him and it was a GOOD DAY ! Talk about having a bad day and making these decisions, I am just TIRED of life in general and all this is getting to me despite of taking medication, I was really low and felt down and out last night. I don't want to go that low and i understand how bad it could be.....anyway I hope to hear from him and if not, I move on.... for my own sanity ........