Failing

There comes a point in life when we as humans beings come to realize that we have failed in many things. I am not perfect and yet I strive to achieve that something of a little bit of perfection. In the last few days, it has been a topsy turvy of mental stress and frustrations of the internet  and I cannot come online at night and that’s one of my biggest peeves. I just went through a lot of my mind  and some journals recently as trying to wake up my past and all that I found that I was afraid of something, I was afraid of failing and I have failed in so many things and places. I have failed myself, because I believe that I am not a good human being and tend to destroy myself first and foremost my relationships and my mind.I have failed myself as a human and I have not been able to do what most men do and have… that is being straight.

I have failed my mother for not being a straight man, and not being able to give her the grandchild or family that she wants,  at the time when it’s important for mothers at that age to have a daughter in law and grandchildren.

I failed my late father for not being able to help him get over his alcohol addiction and making him better so that he could have lived more in this life and he could have advised me in life.

I have failed my brother and sister in many ways.

I have failed because I did not live up to the expectations of  my friends, family and some people whom I love. It really doesn’t matter to me if they live up to my expectations or not. All I know that I have not done things I have had to do on this earth.

My friendships don’t last long, my relationships break before they even start…. my life is a mess, all in all I am a failure.

Most of all, I have failed my relationships and I am sorry to say this that once again that dark depressive demons which lurk in the corner of my mind have taken over me and are making me and my life miserable. I have failed Paolo, and I have been unable to reciprocate his love and mind. I am sorry for all this happening to me but I have never ever found myself to be in a high esteem and all the time my low self esteem was building up, and the more I tried to resist it, the more it became stronger….. I feel I am unworthy of anyone and I guess I am not that strong..

So all in all…. today the 28th of September will be my last entry of my blog. I am not sure if I will write another  or do what but I think and feel, I am tired of all this and I cannot go on another step without feeling bad about myself and living dual personalities. The only thing that I have promised myself that when I reach a certain age, and if I am unable to provide for myself in life and if i am a burden on someone else, I will end my life. I do not want to be dependent on anyone and surely I do not want to live an old man’s life alone in this world.

Life is always what it has been and no matter how much we hide the truth from others, it always surfaces on ourselves, and some of us are strong and some of us are not strong to be able to hide truth and for those who are not, we fail ourselves in life.

I guess my epitaph on the tombstone will read this

“ Shaffin, Loser and Failure of all times”

I am not sorry…… but I regret a lot of things because I have FAILED.

AVOIR……. good bye……………..

What if ???

Well, what if we had the chance to change some things in our lives and amend what we have done wrong or what we wanted do or be at a certain point in our life? Now this is just from my perspective and should not be a reflection on what others think or feel. I know that there are many things I would have loved to change and deep down inside, my insecurities speak of it all, and part of it stems from me not being able to be myself. This must have started from the time when I realized what I was, in terms of my sexuality that is and what I felt at that time. Trying to hide and being aware of some things and wondering if what I was doing was a sin [as others think that being gay is a sin], and what if I was going through a change, a phase as some think that being gay is, but would be better later, in life that is.

I guess we all learn the hard way but  we never truly escape from our demons, and although we may chase them away, they always wait for us when we feel vulnerable and then attack us in the best way they can. Here are some of the things that I still do when I feeling insecure, and these are the things that I want to change in my life and I am working on that on a day to day basis….

- I comfort eat when I stress out, but these days instead of doing that, I drink water or have liquids, [No Alcohol is not included].

- I feel that my body is out of proportion, but am starting to love it slowly, [Paolo loves the way I am so I don’t have to worry abt that].

- I wished that I could change some things in my life but then I wonder that if I would be here at all writing this blog and my insecurities??  Also, would I have met Paolo, or would I have had the chance to take care of a wonderful sister as Zainab??? [changing history makes you take a different path or makes a different timeline].

- Some of the things that I would have done was say sorry to my Dad that I couldn't do much  for him, apologise to all that I have hurt intentionally or unintentionally, and also amend some small things and best of all would have been to come out to myself and accept all the things that I am, in the early days, so that I would have avoided having a low self esteem.

Some of the more interesting things would be able to fly…. I guess I have been watching the TV series HEROES [part of that is the X-MEN series too] and I guess it’s what part of evolution is about, mutation of the genes to be able do things that were impossible…..would love to appear and disappear at will as that would be fun…. LOL I guess we all have someone inside us trying to be something that we are not, our alter ego…..I have mine too.

Just on an Impulse…

Well actually I was wanting to write something but didn’t know what to write so I started having thoughts of what I was watching or looking at in my day to day life and what ways do I make use of different machines, tools or gadgets…. now this may sound old fashioned but I tell you it is a wonderful thing to have in life, a grinder which uses a handle and elbow grease… from Coffee to Black eyed peas, to spices and what not? It’s truly an amazing gadget and I am glad that we have one, now this one is as old as I can remember and recently the plate/disc which was attached to the spindle, broke, and so I had to have it welded to the spindle back again.

At the moment I also have a weak internet connection and I don’t know when this blog will be on, maybe tomorrow or day after tomorrow… but I am keeping this on draft and waiting for the internet to come back again soon…

 

Kunde – Black Eyed beans [Maybe]

Machine and grinding

 

on the other note, Fr. Salvatore  [Salvo for short] is working in Migoli and he is one cool dude. He has his church from Italy supporting him for the orphanage that he runs and he has a good reputation with people including the Regional Commissioner and the District Commissioner too, and all the top officials. He is a person that I admire and trust and also [apart from me wanting to be more friendlier with him, I think he is very cute and charming and HANDSOME] check him out,… I guess I have something for men in uniforms or man of cloth…. yes? [did you read this Paolo]….???  And so h came with 6 of his children from the orphanage in Migoli and they had meal here at the cafe, and the kids are lovely and well behaved and well, he is doing a wonderful job of bringing them up and dedicating his life there. [See the link above]

 

 

Yesterday…..

Well yesterday was one of the days when I could look back and say, wow, I have achieved something in my life and it was a god feeling day. I did give one my friends, my blog address and I told her to read it and not judge me or make a comment that will make me feel that what I am and what I have written is not good, but anyway, we were talking about me changing topics fast from one point to another [which is something that Paolo, is not used to] and so she said that the reason I am doing this is I am able to multi task and jump to topics and start different conversations and also, I do keep in mind what was said before and I do come around to that same point, which for me is a feat, because we as human beings, sometimes forget what the original purpose of that particular  conversation was and what did our train of thought mean exactly to the other person.

A cake that I made yesterday…     

A Photo of my man Paolo -

I guess, it’s one month today and I just cannot resist showing his photo here. I m very happy and I light up when I see him, on webcam that is.

I never thought that I would come to see this day but well it has arrived and here I am, still standing and on air… well I guess, you folks will be waiting to say ‘ I told you so’ but till then, let me enjoy my life and be happy with my wonderful friend. what do they say about this….? Better to have loved and be hurt then to have not loved at all.

Here is his photo…..- [Removed his photo by his courtesy and his privacy]

Here are a couple of mine too……

P.S. I could not resist adding a few photos more of some Bhajis and naan breads that were made today in my kitchen.

What's new?

Well I can say a few meaningful things have happened in the last 4 weeks and and I didn’t know that they would happen, but they did. Last month on the 7th or the 8th of August, I met this wonderful guy, at a certain website that I frequent a lot and we started communicating, but the first thing he asked me [not in exact words], if I believed in a long distance relationship, and I said, why not, if we could work on it  then it would be possible, as long as there is certain understanding and we all know how taxing and stressful it can be when you cannot meet or feel or touch the other person. Anyway, we started with the 1st week and then on to the 2nd and the 3rd and now the 4th week finishes and we are passing the 1 month stage…. I guess we  have a long way to go and we learn about more about each other every day and  it’s a revelation. I know for some of you think that this is just a passing whim, but know I know and feel it… we both are not rushing into it and we have a lot to learn when being far away. We are in the same situation and and have similar understanding of life.

Ok more of that later, but I would like you folks to know him Paolo is his name and he has a beard and is 6 ft tall and he is lean and mean. Now why he chose me as a person to be with, I have no answer for that, but I know we have something magical and for you who feel cautious for him or me…. I will say that, let nature take it’s course and let it help us find ourselves where we want to be. Many of you think that internet friendship does not flourish and they eventually fade, but I wouldn’t know till I have tried it and felt it, right?

All in all, I know that we care for each other and have some special bond, that we both understand and feel.

Over the weekend, I had invited Dave and his girlfriend Kate and we had a meal and I had baked him a birthday cake [well a belated one] and here it is.