being honest but is it worth?

Yesterday, I wrote to my love and explained to him this is how i felt. I was honest about it and well partly sad and angry too. I hope you too reader will know or try to get to see if you were in my situation and how you would have dealt with it.
My friend was going to visit me in a few months time and I was really excited for him to come over but the situation lay after him going back. Coping with someone you love and being with him and then him going away....where does that leave me? I have had relationships and the pain that I have gone through is not worth a trip here..... so this is what I wrote:-

Dearest [so and so]

I hope this finds you in the best of health and mind and I pray that you are doing well in work and in life too.

The Reason I am writing this email is because I want you to know and understand how I feel and what I want in life. It’s not as simple as it sounds and not complicated as it should be, but hear me out and then make your own decisions.



I was very happy that you decided to take time off and come and visit me here in Tanzania and am excited too but my line of excitement ends here as I have nothing more to offer you than my friendship. I know I am being hard on myself and also hard on you but I cannot help it. I don’t want to hurt or be in a situation where I have to make myself go crazy by wanting more than a friendship and I know I cannot get that here from you, not here.



The reason I am saying this is because, once you are here it will be great and we can enjoy and have fun, but what about when you leave from here, do we pick up the pieces and start where we left off and forget about what we had that was special? I don’t want to live on memories while I know that I can or could have you or the man who wants to spend his lifetime with me and I want to do the same. What am I getting into, I don’t know but what I want is this, I can offer you friendship and NO more than that.



I know and understand how hurtful it must be by reading this and I am paining as much by feeling and writing this today but I am honest with you and I do not want under any circumstance to lead you into believing and lying to you that I do not love you, I do but this is one thing I cannot do to myself. I have seen hurt and pained over past relationships which have ended with me losing my mind and at this stage I am not ready and cannot afford to do that to you or myself.



I hope you will understand my dilemma and look from my point of view. I am putting myself in your shoes and thinking if I were to do that to someone else, how would that person feel or go through after having gone through so much of love and togetherness. I guess, I would feel guilty and would feel that I have used that person but left him hanging with nothing in life to move or look forward for.



This is not personal but I don’t want to get hurt or hurt you in anyway. Please do write to me and let me know how you feel.



Love you very much buddy

Shaff

I still have not heard from him and i can understand him thinking that I duped him but if he was sincere and really in love, would not he have coaxed me or written anything back or responded with anger or whatever? Am I looking into a closure or what. I also broke up with a friend from the city as he was texting me something and accusing me of something I did not do, and whether that text was meant for me or not, this person did not justify why he sent that sms, so I sent him and sms saying that I did not want any BS from him and it was a GOOD DAY ! Talk about having a bad day and making these decisions, I am just TIRED of life in general and all this is getting to me despite of taking medication, I was really low and felt down and out last night. I don't want to go that low and i understand how bad it could be.....anyway I hope to hear from him and if not, I move on.... for my own sanity ........

Conversations.....

Last week there was a wedding in town which I did not attend. There were so many reasons for me not going, and apart from that I did not want to mingle with people who I find it hard to communicate with and people who think more of themselves and have nothing better to talk about other then money, women and cars or in a similar nature that makes a man or women go for it in a conversation, GOSSIP LOL

I find it hard to go to weddings, funerals and well lots of occasions that include crying and places or parties where people are in a sombre mood and not communicative. I find it hard with people when a conversation veers to nothing and you are left staring at the ground going ' mm mm yes you are right.....' or ' yes, yes very true.....!!!'
Why do people find it hard to make a conversation that will help others and not make one look stupid? I have been in that situation and made a fool of myself, and am not ashamed to say that I find it hard sometimes to make a conversation with people who seem to be not interested or are bored with teh whole party situation and hence making the the conversation thing a big problem, I am sure there are many of us who will argue in a conversation to a point of hitting someone or get angry just because they feel or think they are right. I am up for anything that makes a whole conversation a learning point, be it experiences or something exciting or strange as long as it keeps the people around you enthralled and enjoying the talk with a lot of unanswered questions or sighing and thinking and wishing that one could have been there or trying to picture oneself being in such a situation where one experiences from what the speaker was talking about that particular subject........
Hard to understand, well next time when one is talking about an experience, try listening and feel what he or she is experiencing emotionally on that particular subject and feel....maybe you might be able to understand the conversation more better....

Well am back but it seems like a long time ago since I updated this blog. I found it hard to concentrate and was having a big time drawback mentally. First I had problems with some staff, then I sold off my vehicle and on top of it Jenny came back half way from her hairdressing course with some issues and I was losing it with helping a friend whom I unknowingly introduced to a conman and and this fellow took my friend's passport and letting my friend know that he would get the visa stamped on the passport and 5 months passed and no visa and no passport and finally I had to intervene and do the needful and get that passport stamped and have everything in proper order.
Anyway in the midst of all this, I started taking Prozac and after a few weeks I could think straight and knew where my priorities lay and what could be done. Otherwise I would have been a screaming queen and getting on everyone's nerves and be a bitch.
Things and life are fine at the moment and am feeling good apart from having to do many cakes and being at work and running errands... and the staff shortage is always there....... I hope to keep posting again and let you know whats happening in my life....

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.

Goethe

well,... just thinking aloud... I guess I will not have ever have a boyfriend or that special person in my life. Why, cos I know and it's gut instinct, and maybe, I say maybe I could be wrong, but I know i won't. I have too much baggage with me and anyone who thinks will be able to live with me is mighty wrong. I have issues that cannot be resolved, and so I know.

Sometimes it's hard to understand, why me but then I know why. I will not say it but I know.... life has been tough for me and I am glad that I have the courage and strength by the grace of Allah, and I am thankful to Him for giving me small joys in life, but then there are times I wish I wasn't gay, but then if I wasn't what would I be and would I be able to see the world differently and appreciate what I see now, then I would have been different...? I guess I will never know the answer or never be able to feel love that I am longing for.

Although we say no regrets, there is always a hint of some regret of not having experienced any love, hugging or cuddle by that special someone whom you love or care for.
C ' est la Vie eh?

Nico leaviing for San' sisco

Bon Voyage

Seems like a hard task but sometimes we have yet again to say good bye and realize that we have a friend in our midst who has to leave and go forth in his adventures in and find his bearings in life.

Nico whom I met 6 months ago or so, made a huge impact in my life and I could relate to him easily as I would have to my best friend, brother, close male friend, whatever you want to call that. He made a huge difference to my life and although he is only 24, seems like an age when you are eager and anxious, he enriched it like a wise man who has lived through time and has seen and experienced so many things in life and has different stories to say to his grandsons ... and thats how I felt with Nico. and now he too, like all my friends has left to go back to America and I do not know when he will be back , but I have a feeling he will....
As much he has enriched my life and others lives here in town, I am sure he has learnt a lot from us as much. I remember the time he tells me about his Aunts and Uncles and his grandfather who was a wonderful person and how much he feels and emotional he gets when is telling me about them and how he sheds a tear for his grandpappy, so much so that I realize that his story is my story and his emotions are mine cause I can relate to him as he does to us.

Never afraid to speak and know and and learn and understand, how we all are, thats Nico and he is ready to take on med school as soon as he arrives back home, and never ceases to learn and his craving for knowledge is a so much that it puts me to shame, but never the less, I am proud to call you my friend and I am happy that these last 6 months, you made our lives so rich and made me understand whats valuable and what values we need to have to understand each other and what is a good human being. Moreover you considered mine as your own and as much I am happy to you call you my younger brother, I feel I have learnt a lot from you as I would have from an elder brother.

Thank you for giving as you always give, that is love and understanding values in life.
Thank you Nico.....

To Nico, Salud.......

Last night was the second night in a row that I couldn't sleep, I was tossing and turning and was awake. The reason... well night before last I had coffee in the evening , which I don't usually or normally have, or tea or anything that will keep me awake, but I did and so the first night the same, and then last night I had CINZANO with Nico and that too just 1 tot, and it was enough to keep me awake for a few hours, and on top of it, I had a huge chocolate craving, so had a LINDT dark chocolate with nuts and dried orange peel which was very delectable and I finished the whole 2/3 of a bar, and of course with chocolate and all that and Nico did tell me not to have any but well I did and so then the keeping awake comes .... man what a night and now I am drained out so much that I feel like getting into bed........!!!!!!!

I don't know if I let on to you the last meal we had with Natasha, Paul, Nico and me... it was a long time and I miss our lunch dinner sessions. Somehow after that last lunch I have never had another of such kind of lunches or d
I miss you all Natasha, Paul, Sarah, Sadiq, and soon it will be time for Nico to move on too.... here is a picture from the 4 of us.

Can't say how much I have been away but I remember the last time I was talking about taking Zainab [Jenny] to Nairobi, Kenya and I was afraid of the riots there that had started post election and apparently we were supposed to leave on the 31st but by then I had not even packed my bags and so we called the bus service and asked then if we could move our tickets forward till things calmed down and lucky enough I knew this fella and he agreed . So on the 16th of January, I finally packed my bags and we were off to Dar and was confident to get on the bus and finally on the 18th we left for Nairobi. On reaching the border we had our passports stamped and one of the officers forgot to stamp Zainab's passport so we had to go running back and he said that in our chatting he over looked and forgot... seems out of reality at that point and so finally, we reached Nairobi at 10.00pm at night, having started at 7.00am that morning.
We were received by Zainab's [Jenny] friends and taken to our suburban cosy guest house [read -not hotel] and then the next day we went looking for the designated school and had Zainab enrolled, and that week had been buying , paying, reading, eating and waiting till I left Kenya on Friday the following week which was on Friday 29th of January and was back home on the Sunday that week.

On my journey to Nairobi, I saw a lot of things that made a difference to me and my life although I am not sure the same could be implied here in Tanzania where I live, but there, I saw that many locals spoke English and were quiet educated, and many of them were courteous although there is nothing liike 'Ahsante' [Thank-you] or 'Naomba' [Please may have], but they are learning and we are learning too.
such a big difference between the 2 countries and a lot of power struggle that it makes you wonder who is not corrupt in this world....?????
S
o as to speak/write, Zainab [Jenny] is well settled and is with a loving family and she goes to the college and is learning a lot of new things, I think and feel that she is responsible and does a lot of things that she would not have done, for example frying foodstuff, like eggs or eggybread would not have been her choice and now making tea on a stove is nothing new to her. I guess when we are with our parents or our parents home we tend to leave things on them or house help but when we go outside of our home we do things that we would not have done at home. And now that she is away, I miss her terribly and mum does too, although we keep silent about it but deep down in our hearts we know how much she means to us and how much she has enriched our lives all these years.

We call each other everyday and it's become a ritual to call her at night even it's for a a minute. I guess we move forward and and look for what the future has in store for us. The past has rich memories and wonderful experiences that teach us a lot in life learning and it's meaning.
My sister and me, Love you Jenny........

Moods......

I am in a lousy mood and i feel really down and depressive. I don't know whats bothering me, and I gather I do not have a solution to this.
I hate myself all the time these days and feel like i have no hope for myself in the future. I did try some anti depressants last week and all they did was make me sleep and wake up with a sore head.
Why?............ that is the question Mr Shaffin...........
Well for some fun, I decided to photoshop myself and I look hilarious with hair on... see this and let me know, I couldn't be more gay then my pics LOL... here is the original thats me without hair, and see the photoshoped version....hoot !