well,... just thinking aloud... I guess I will not have ever have a boyfriend or that special person in my life. Why, cos I know and it's gut instinct, and maybe, I say maybe I could be wrong, but I know i won't. I have too much baggage with me and anyone who thinks will be able to live with me is mighty wrong. I have issues that cannot be resolved, and so I know.

Sometimes it's hard to understand, why me but then I know why. I will not say it but I know.... life has been tough for me and I am glad that I have the courage and strength by the grace of Allah, and I am thankful to Him for giving me small joys in life, but then there are times I wish I wasn't gay, but then if I wasn't what would I be and would I be able to see the world differently and appreciate what I see now, then I would have been different...? I guess I will never know the answer or never be able to feel love that I am longing for.

Although we say no regrets, there is always a hint of some regret of not having experienced any love, hugging or cuddle by that special someone whom you love or care for.
C ' est la Vie eh?

Nico leaviing for San' sisco

Bon Voyage

Seems like a hard task but sometimes we have yet again to say good bye and realize that we have a friend in our midst who has to leave and go forth in his adventures in and find his bearings in life.

Nico whom I met 6 months ago or so, made a huge impact in my life and I could relate to him easily as I would have to my best friend, brother, close male friend, whatever you want to call that. He made a huge difference to my life and although he is only 24, seems like an age when you are eager and anxious, he enriched it like a wise man who has lived through time and has seen and experienced so many things in life and has different stories to say to his grandsons ... and thats how I felt with Nico. and now he too, like all my friends has left to go back to America and I do not know when he will be back , but I have a feeling he will....
As much he has enriched my life and others lives here in town, I am sure he has learnt a lot from us as much. I remember the time he tells me about his Aunts and Uncles and his grandfather who was a wonderful person and how much he feels and emotional he gets when is telling me about them and how he sheds a tear for his grandpappy, so much so that I realize that his story is my story and his emotions are mine cause I can relate to him as he does to us.

Never afraid to speak and know and and learn and understand, how we all are, thats Nico and he is ready to take on med school as soon as he arrives back home, and never ceases to learn and his craving for knowledge is a so much that it puts me to shame, but never the less, I am proud to call you my friend and I am happy that these last 6 months, you made our lives so rich and made me understand whats valuable and what values we need to have to understand each other and what is a good human being. Moreover you considered mine as your own and as much I am happy to you call you my younger brother, I feel I have learnt a lot from you as I would have from an elder brother.

Thank you for giving as you always give, that is love and understanding values in life.
Thank you Nico.....

To Nico, Salud.......

Last night was the second night in a row that I couldn't sleep, I was tossing and turning and was awake. The reason... well night before last I had coffee in the evening , which I don't usually or normally have, or tea or anything that will keep me awake, but I did and so the first night the same, and then last night I had CINZANO with Nico and that too just 1 tot, and it was enough to keep me awake for a few hours, and on top of it, I had a huge chocolate craving, so had a LINDT dark chocolate with nuts and dried orange peel which was very delectable and I finished the whole 2/3 of a bar, and of course with chocolate and all that and Nico did tell me not to have any but well I did and so then the keeping awake comes .... man what a night and now I am drained out so much that I feel like getting into bed........!!!!!!!

I don't know if I let on to you the last meal we had with Natasha, Paul, Nico and me... it was a long time and I miss our lunch dinner sessions. Somehow after that last lunch I have never had another of such kind of lunches or d
I miss you all Natasha, Paul, Sarah, Sadiq, and soon it will be time for Nico to move on too.... here is a picture from the 4 of us.

Can't say how much I have been away but I remember the last time I was talking about taking Zainab [Jenny] to Nairobi, Kenya and I was afraid of the riots there that had started post election and apparently we were supposed to leave on the 31st but by then I had not even packed my bags and so we called the bus service and asked then if we could move our tickets forward till things calmed down and lucky enough I knew this fella and he agreed . So on the 16th of January, I finally packed my bags and we were off to Dar and was confident to get on the bus and finally on the 18th we left for Nairobi. On reaching the border we had our passports stamped and one of the officers forgot to stamp Zainab's passport so we had to go running back and he said that in our chatting he over looked and forgot... seems out of reality at that point and so finally, we reached Nairobi at 10.00pm at night, having started at 7.00am that morning.
We were received by Zainab's [Jenny] friends and taken to our suburban cosy guest house [read -not hotel] and then the next day we went looking for the designated school and had Zainab enrolled, and that week had been buying , paying, reading, eating and waiting till I left Kenya on Friday the following week which was on Friday 29th of January and was back home on the Sunday that week.

On my journey to Nairobi, I saw a lot of things that made a difference to me and my life although I am not sure the same could be implied here in Tanzania where I live, but there, I saw that many locals spoke English and were quiet educated, and many of them were courteous although there is nothing liike 'Ahsante' [Thank-you] or 'Naomba' [Please may have], but they are learning and we are learning too.
such a big difference between the 2 countries and a lot of power struggle that it makes you wonder who is not corrupt in this world....?????
S
o as to speak/write, Zainab [Jenny] is well settled and is with a loving family and she goes to the college and is learning a lot of new things, I think and feel that she is responsible and does a lot of things that she would not have done, for example frying foodstuff, like eggs or eggybread would not have been her choice and now making tea on a stove is nothing new to her. I guess when we are with our parents or our parents home we tend to leave things on them or house help but when we go outside of our home we do things that we would not have done at home. And now that she is away, I miss her terribly and mum does too, although we keep silent about it but deep down in our hearts we know how much she means to us and how much she has enriched our lives all these years.

We call each other everyday and it's become a ritual to call her at night even it's for a a minute. I guess we move forward and and look for what the future has in store for us. The past has rich memories and wonderful experiences that teach us a lot in life learning and it's meaning.
My sister and me, Love you Jenny........

Moods......

I am in a lousy mood and i feel really down and depressive. I don't know whats bothering me, and I gather I do not have a solution to this.
I hate myself all the time these days and feel like i have no hope for myself in the future. I did try some anti depressants last week and all they did was make me sleep and wake up with a sore head.
Why?............ that is the question Mr Shaffin...........
Well for some fun, I decided to photoshop myself and I look hilarious with hair on... see this and let me know, I couldn't be more gay then my pics LOL... here is the original thats me without hair, and see the photoshoped version....hoot !

Emotions

I was watching a movie the other day and it was a love story of sorts and suddenly I realized that I have forgotten how to love a loved one. I mean I was watching a movie but those emotions didn't stir anything in me and i was left wondering why?
I know that earlier this year when I decided that my priority would be my sister and her education and love and all that baggage that comes with it would be left on the side and not be concentrated on, I didn't know that I would shut myself off from loving... loving a lover that is and not a family love, like you love a sibling or a parent.
And suddenly I gather that I don't feel anything at all.... HA!! I know it's crazy but I feel like I can shut things out of my life if I want to, by just believing and concentrating hard enough that I do not want it or don't want to do a particular thing or vice versa....

On the other hand is it healthy for me to do that by cutting of emotions that make us all human and strong and because of those emotions we can overcome certain barriers in life and move on or suppress them and do crazy things???

At the moment, I am getting ready to embark on our journey to Zainab's destination for her college... I dread traveling and it reminds me of the time when I went with my brother to Arusha and it was a very long journey, I know I could fly but then it's twice expensive and at the moment I am trying to curb all the expenses and trying to save money.