Sunday, March 1, 2009
Cakes
mmm it's been a busy week and i always do that in the last minute... I was stressed out 'cos my iTunes wasn't working properly and so I deleted that program and so decided to reverse to an older version 7.6 and so it took ages to download that program and I did download the latest 8. something, and so had both versions and none of them would install 'cos somewhere along the deleting of files my .msi files was missing or I had an older version of it and so I had to install a newer version and so going through all the processes and downloading the new versions, I still couldn't install. So by chance I had an older copy of iTunes 6 and that did the trick and so my music player is doing good and thats when finally I did these 2 cakes after being able to have the delight in listening to music and making cakes which gives me immense pleasure in concentrating on the things I do. Actually listening to music while I do my work is soothing... LOL
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Something I remembered.....
Well I was going through some thoughts on when I was small and how much I could remember and suddenly this image popped out of my mind or actually what happened that day,well part of it...
I was probably 4-5 and was in the neighbors house, a couple of houses down the street and as we were playing in my friends brother's room, my friend was called by her mom and I was left alone playing on the mattresses in the elder brother's room. Suddenly after a few mins, this brother walks in with a towel round his waist and just out from the shower, and wet and his body was great to look at and he probably was 16-18 at that point and handsome with a beard and long hair [70's style hair read:Bee Gees]. Anyway, he started to talk to me and make small talk, and then he suddenly tells me that I should show him my dick,???? Come on, I was 5 at that age and what did I know about my sexuality? Nothing and so I felt uncomfortable and so I refused and then he said he would show me his first and then I could show him mine... well that would have scarred my mind if had seen his large dick which was bulging slowly I bet, but I just told him I didn't want to and ran out of the room complaining to his parents and they just laughed told him off and told me to go home and say nothing. I felt that it was wrong at that point and time.
Now I don't know whether this guy was trying to abuse me and try to molest me at that age or was he turning into pedophile, I have no idea. I have not heard from him since the late 70's.
Coming to think of it, if I would have been older then it sure would have been the case of who was using whom. And by the way, his sister turned out to be a lesbian.... what a world and what a thing to be able to see that something like that happened and I told no one?
Hard to know what I was going through at that time but still I cannot shake the feeling of what would have happened if I did what he told me to do.... HUH!!!!!
Below is a picture of how old I was at that time... around that age I think....
I was probably 4-5 and was in the neighbors house, a couple of houses down the street and as we were playing in my friends brother's room, my friend was called by her mom and I was left alone playing on the mattresses in the elder brother's room. Suddenly after a few mins, this brother walks in with a towel round his waist and just out from the shower, and wet and his body was great to look at and he probably was 16-18 at that point and handsome with a beard and long hair [70's style hair read:Bee Gees]. Anyway, he started to talk to me and make small talk, and then he suddenly tells me that I should show him my dick,???? Come on, I was 5 at that age and what did I know about my sexuality? Nothing and so I felt uncomfortable and so I refused and then he said he would show me his first and then I could show him mine... well that would have scarred my mind if had seen his large dick which was bulging slowly I bet, but I just told him I didn't want to and ran out of the room complaining to his parents and they just laughed told him off and told me to go home and say nothing. I felt that it was wrong at that point and time.
Now I don't know whether this guy was trying to abuse me and try to molest me at that age or was he turning into pedophile, I have no idea. I have not heard from him since the late 70's.
Coming to think of it, if I would have been older then it sure would have been the case of who was using whom. And by the way, his sister turned out to be a lesbian.... what a world and what a thing to be able to see that something like that happened and I told no one?
Hard to know what I was going through at that time but still I cannot shake the feeling of what would have happened if I did what he told me to do.... HUH!!!!!
Below is a picture of how old I was at that time... around that age I think....
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Passing away...
Well I ought to say that I will miss hearing from one of my friends Mr. Abdul Nurali Mohamed, who passed away last month and it’s sad to know that I had no idea that he was suffering from cancer. As well know how this disease can make a person go down just by hearing it and it makes you feel like a looming death sentence.
I have learnt a lot by communicating with him and also he accepted me and my sexuality because one of his daughters is gay and he understood how she felt and what he as a parent had to go through and how his acceptance made it possible for her to be aware of her presence felt in the family.
I was hoping that I too, could one day write about how my parents accepted me but I guess that may never come. I am not sure if my mother knows or if my father knew? But all in all I wish it wasn’t a big taboo or an issue with me.
One of the things that I want to happen is acceptance of what I am and be able to talk freely about me and my issues and my sexuality as a whole. I cannot go like this at times and I usually hope that at some point I will be able to tell my closest ones about myself. Hard as it may seem there really is no choice here, or an alternate way out, knowing and understanding that I am still living in the family home and am with my mom and sister.
Hard eh… I bet that’s nothing then what others go through….which takes me back to losing my friend Abdul. He was a remarkable person and really fun to be with, a jolly man and an understanding form of father figure. I am sure his son and daughters miss him terribly and I feel the same as I will no longer be able to hear what he has to say or his lovely forwards.
Miss you Abdul…R.I.P
I have learnt a lot by communicating with him and also he accepted me and my sexuality because one of his daughters is gay and he understood how she felt and what he as a parent had to go through and how his acceptance made it possible for her to be aware of her presence felt in the family.
I was hoping that I too, could one day write about how my parents accepted me but I guess that may never come. I am not sure if my mother knows or if my father knew? But all in all I wish it wasn’t a big taboo or an issue with me.
One of the things that I want to happen is acceptance of what I am and be able to talk freely about me and my issues and my sexuality as a whole. I cannot go like this at times and I usually hope that at some point I will be able to tell my closest ones about myself. Hard as it may seem there really is no choice here, or an alternate way out, knowing and understanding that I am still living in the family home and am with my mom and sister.
Hard eh… I bet that’s nothing then what others go through….which takes me back to losing my friend Abdul. He was a remarkable person and really fun to be with, a jolly man and an understanding form of father figure. I am sure his son and daughters miss him terribly and I feel the same as I will no longer be able to hear what he has to say or his lovely forwards.
Miss you Abdul…R.I.P
Monday, February 2, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
A New year and a New start
A new year and a New start.....
I thought that it might be different but NOT, it's the same and I keep wondering if I should let go of this blog but then at times why should I ??? I guess I love writing and also love that my special friends read my blog and appreciate what I have to write. I may not be a perfect writer but I sure can express my self.
Well of late I changed my medication by a different brand of meds [read: Generic Prozac] and I feel like my old self but calmer and am wearing bright colors with a joy for life which I didn't have a few months ago. Also the previous meds that I was taking made me very sober and being zombie like and i would want to sleep at random times and then not be able to get any sleep at night but now it feels different.
Hence back to writing this blog and I pray that I can keep it going.
I thought that it might be different but NOT, it's the same and I keep wondering if I should let go of this blog but then at times why should I ??? I guess I love writing and also love that my special friends read my blog and appreciate what I have to write. I may not be a perfect writer but I sure can express my self.
Well of late I changed my medication by a different brand of meds [read: Generic Prozac] and I feel like my old self but calmer and am wearing bright colors with a joy for life which I didn't have a few months ago. Also the previous meds that I was taking made me very sober and being zombie like and i would want to sleep at random times and then not be able to get any sleep at night but now it feels different.
Hence back to writing this blog and I pray that I can keep it going.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
being honest but is it worth?
Yesterday, I wrote to my love and explained to him this is how i felt. I was honest about it and well partly sad and angry too. I hope you too reader will know or try to get to see if you were in my situation and how you would have dealt with it.
My friend was going to visit me in a few months time and I was really excited for him to come over but the situation lay after him going back. Coping with someone you love and being with him and then him going away....where does that leave me? I have had relationships and the pain that I have gone through is not worth a trip here..... so this is what I wrote:-
Dearest [so and so]
I hope this finds you in the best of health and mind and I pray that you are doing well in work and in life too.
The Reason I am writing this email is because I want you to know and understand how I feel and what I want in life. It’s not as simple as it sounds and not complicated as it should be, but hear me out and then make your own decisions.
I was very happy that you decided to take time off and come and visit me here in Tanzania and am excited too but my line of excitement ends here as I have nothing more to offer you than my friendship. I know I am being hard on myself and also hard on you but I cannot help it. I don’t want to hurt or be in a situation where I have to make myself go crazy by wanting more than a friendship and I know I cannot get that here from you, not here.
The reason I am saying this is because, once you are here it will be great and we can enjoy and have fun, but what about when you leave from here, do we pick up the pieces and start where we left off and forget about what we had that was special? I don’t want to live on memories while I know that I can or could have you or the man who wants to spend his lifetime with me and I want to do the same. What am I getting into, I don’t know but what I want is this, I can offer you friendship and NO more than that.
I know and understand how hurtful it must be by reading this and I am paining as much by feeling and writing this today but I am honest with you and I do not want under any circumstance to lead you into believing and lying to you that I do not love you, I do but this is one thing I cannot do to myself. I have seen hurt and pained over past relationships which have ended with me losing my mind and at this stage I am not ready and cannot afford to do that to you or myself.
I hope you will understand my dilemma and look from my point of view. I am putting myself in your shoes and thinking if I were to do that to someone else, how would that person feel or go through after having gone through so much of love and togetherness. I guess, I would feel guilty and would feel that I have used that person but left him hanging with nothing in life to move or look forward for.
This is not personal but I don’t want to get hurt or hurt you in anyway. Please do write to me and let me know how you feel.
Love you very much buddy
Shaff
I still have not heard from him and i can understand him thinking that I duped him but if he was sincere and really in love, would not he have coaxed me or written anything back or responded with anger or whatever? Am I looking into a closure or what. I also broke up with a friend from the city as he was texting me something and accusing me of something I did not do, and whether that text was meant for me or not, this person did not justify why he sent that sms, so I sent him and sms saying that I did not want any BS from him and it was a GOOD DAY ! Talk about having a bad day and making these decisions, I am just TIRED of life in general and all this is getting to me despite of taking medication, I was really low and felt down and out last night. I don't want to go that low and i understand how bad it could be.....anyway I hope to hear from him and if not, I move on.... for my own sanity ........
My friend was going to visit me in a few months time and I was really excited for him to come over but the situation lay after him going back. Coping with someone you love and being with him and then him going away....where does that leave me? I have had relationships and the pain that I have gone through is not worth a trip here..... so this is what I wrote:-
Dearest [so and so]
I hope this finds you in the best of health and mind and I pray that you are doing well in work and in life too.
The Reason I am writing this email is because I want you to know and understand how I feel and what I want in life. It’s not as simple as it sounds and not complicated as it should be, but hear me out and then make your own decisions.
I was very happy that you decided to take time off and come and visit me here in Tanzania and am excited too but my line of excitement ends here as I have nothing more to offer you than my friendship. I know I am being hard on myself and also hard on you but I cannot help it. I don’t want to hurt or be in a situation where I have to make myself go crazy by wanting more than a friendship and I know I cannot get that here from you, not here.
The reason I am saying this is because, once you are here it will be great and we can enjoy and have fun, but what about when you leave from here, do we pick up the pieces and start where we left off and forget about what we had that was special? I don’t want to live on memories while I know that I can or could have you or the man who wants to spend his lifetime with me and I want to do the same. What am I getting into, I don’t know but what I want is this, I can offer you friendship and NO more than that.
I know and understand how hurtful it must be by reading this and I am paining as much by feeling and writing this today but I am honest with you and I do not want under any circumstance to lead you into believing and lying to you that I do not love you, I do but this is one thing I cannot do to myself. I have seen hurt and pained over past relationships which have ended with me losing my mind and at this stage I am not ready and cannot afford to do that to you or myself.
I hope you will understand my dilemma and look from my point of view. I am putting myself in your shoes and thinking if I were to do that to someone else, how would that person feel or go through after having gone through so much of love and togetherness. I guess, I would feel guilty and would feel that I have used that person but left him hanging with nothing in life to move or look forward for.
This is not personal but I don’t want to get hurt or hurt you in anyway. Please do write to me and let me know how you feel.
Love you very much buddy
Shaff
I still have not heard from him and i can understand him thinking that I duped him but if he was sincere and really in love, would not he have coaxed me or written anything back or responded with anger or whatever? Am I looking into a closure or what. I also broke up with a friend from the city as he was texting me something and accusing me of something I did not do, and whether that text was meant for me or not, this person did not justify why he sent that sms, so I sent him and sms saying that I did not want any BS from him and it was a GOOD DAY ! Talk about having a bad day and making these decisions, I am just TIRED of life in general and all this is getting to me despite of taking medication, I was really low and felt down and out last night. I don't want to go that low and i understand how bad it could be.....anyway I hope to hear from him and if not, I move on.... for my own sanity ........
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