me and my sister

Someone sent me this mail....
Could be true but then....


Soul is a part of the Lord - soul does not like or dislike - soul does not react - soul is a centre of peace in us - it is the peace that is felt by getting rid of all the worldly matters of life - even though it is there for us all the time, it is not seen or felt by 99% of people because we engage ourselves too much in this materialistic world - meditation, prayers, kindness, love will bring us to this peace which is our inheritance -

Life is a short passage of our journey towards eternity - life is a gift that is given to us by God - compassion and kindness towards the human race and peace and love for humanity is the greatest grace and gift of our Lord to us and is our clear way to eternity.
Love all - as our Lord loves all and He cannot have a seat in a heart that is not full of love for He is love - be joyful and you will become joy - even though you feel you are not happy, think about things that make you happy and be happy - happiness is our right –

God is happiness - we have to be happy to be one with God who is kind - kindness is God - show kindness to humans, to animals, kindness to trees, kindness to whatever exists in this world - as it is all creation of the Lord - we have to be kind to be one with God - compassion is God - compassion for all living and non-living things in life - compassion and action to help those in need - faith in action is love, joy, happiness, kindness, laughter, compassion - that is faith in action -

Rumi said beautifully. "Give up your drop and become part of the ocean".
When you give up your ego self and become one with the world around you, you will find life to be a beautiful experience, a very happy experience.

Regarding suffering, Rumi powerfully said,
"I lost everything I had, but in the process I found myself, when I found myself, I found God when I found God, I did not need anything else - even in the loosing of everything there was something deeper I gained."

And Khalil Gibran says
"The flute that soothes your spirit is carved from the very wood that is hollowed with knives". When we hear the flute playing such a nice music and soothing our spirit, let us remember, the same flute was carved from the very wood that was hollowed with knives. So goodness does not just come. Joy comes from pain and pain from joy.

When we see night, we appreciate the day. When we see winter, we appreciate the spring. When we see darkness, we appreciate the light. When we see sorrow, we appreciate the joy.

To have that perspective is also a spiritual awakening. There is a very beautiful story, a fairy tale by Shale Silverstine, which in essence goes as follows:

There was once a circle that was missing a piece. The circle was very depressed and down that it was missing a very important piece of its being. So the Circle embarked on a journey looking for the missing piece. En route the circle smelled the roses, talked to the butterfly, looked at the sunrise and sunset, tried different pieces on the road that did not fit and the circle was disappointed and sad that it was missing its very important piece.

Eventually, the circle found the missing piece - became perfect. A total full round circle. But now it went so fast it had no time to smell the roses, it had no time to look at the sunrise and sunset, and it had no time to talk to the butterflies.

So after some time the circle realized, I am missing all those things, chatting with butterflies, smelling the roses, looking at the sunrise and sunset, so the circle took out the missing piece, left it at the side of the road and embarked on the journey looking for a missing piece.

We all have a missing piece. And with this missing piece we are more whole because we have the aspiration every morning to wake up and strive for something.

If life was too perfect there would be nothing to look forward to - hope is a part of life and despondency is a sin.

just so that you know….

By the way, I closed my blog and Paolo decided to leave too…. he is at the moment left my life. I knew it that it would come to this…anyway once again goodbye… oh and I am removing his photo…..

Failing

There comes a point in life when we as humans beings come to realize that we have failed in many things. I am not perfect and yet I strive to achieve that something of a little bit of perfection. In the last few days, it has been a topsy turvy of mental stress and frustrations of the internet  and I cannot come online at night and that’s one of my biggest peeves. I just went through a lot of my mind  and some journals recently as trying to wake up my past and all that I found that I was afraid of something, I was afraid of failing and I have failed in so many things and places. I have failed myself, because I believe that I am not a good human being and tend to destroy myself first and foremost my relationships and my mind.I have failed myself as a human and I have not been able to do what most men do and have… that is being straight.

I have failed my mother for not being a straight man, and not being able to give her the grandchild or family that she wants,  at the time when it’s important for mothers at that age to have a daughter in law and grandchildren.

I failed my late father for not being able to help him get over his alcohol addiction and making him better so that he could have lived more in this life and he could have advised me in life.

I have failed my brother and sister in many ways.

I have failed because I did not live up to the expectations of  my friends, family and some people whom I love. It really doesn’t matter to me if they live up to my expectations or not. All I know that I have not done things I have had to do on this earth.

My friendships don’t last long, my relationships break before they even start…. my life is a mess, all in all I am a failure.

Most of all, I have failed my relationships and I am sorry to say this that once again that dark depressive demons which lurk in the corner of my mind have taken over me and are making me and my life miserable. I have failed Paolo, and I have been unable to reciprocate his love and mind. I am sorry for all this happening to me but I have never ever found myself to be in a high esteem and all the time my low self esteem was building up, and the more I tried to resist it, the more it became stronger….. I feel I am unworthy of anyone and I guess I am not that strong..

So all in all…. today the 28th of September will be my last entry of my blog. I am not sure if I will write another  or do what but I think and feel, I am tired of all this and I cannot go on another step without feeling bad about myself and living dual personalities. The only thing that I have promised myself that when I reach a certain age, and if I am unable to provide for myself in life and if i am a burden on someone else, I will end my life. I do not want to be dependent on anyone and surely I do not want to live an old man’s life alone in this world.

Life is always what it has been and no matter how much we hide the truth from others, it always surfaces on ourselves, and some of us are strong and some of us are not strong to be able to hide truth and for those who are not, we fail ourselves in life.

I guess my epitaph on the tombstone will read this

“ Shaffin, Loser and Failure of all times”

I am not sorry…… but I regret a lot of things because I have FAILED.

AVOIR……. good bye……………..

What if ???

Well, what if we had the chance to change some things in our lives and amend what we have done wrong or what we wanted do or be at a certain point in our life? Now this is just from my perspective and should not be a reflection on what others think or feel. I know that there are many things I would have loved to change and deep down inside, my insecurities speak of it all, and part of it stems from me not being able to be myself. This must have started from the time when I realized what I was, in terms of my sexuality that is and what I felt at that time. Trying to hide and being aware of some things and wondering if what I was doing was a sin [as others think that being gay is a sin], and what if I was going through a change, a phase as some think that being gay is, but would be better later, in life that is.

I guess we all learn the hard way but  we never truly escape from our demons, and although we may chase them away, they always wait for us when we feel vulnerable and then attack us in the best way they can. Here are some of the things that I still do when I feeling insecure, and these are the things that I want to change in my life and I am working on that on a day to day basis….

- I comfort eat when I stress out, but these days instead of doing that, I drink water or have liquids, [No Alcohol is not included].

- I feel that my body is out of proportion, but am starting to love it slowly, [Paolo loves the way I am so I don’t have to worry abt that].

- I wished that I could change some things in my life but then I wonder that if I would be here at all writing this blog and my insecurities??  Also, would I have met Paolo, or would I have had the chance to take care of a wonderful sister as Zainab??? [changing history makes you take a different path or makes a different timeline].

- Some of the things that I would have done was say sorry to my Dad that I couldn't do much  for him, apologise to all that I have hurt intentionally or unintentionally, and also amend some small things and best of all would have been to come out to myself and accept all the things that I am, in the early days, so that I would have avoided having a low self esteem.

Some of the more interesting things would be able to fly…. I guess I have been watching the TV series HEROES [part of that is the X-MEN series too] and I guess it’s what part of evolution is about, mutation of the genes to be able do things that were impossible…..would love to appear and disappear at will as that would be fun…. LOL I guess we all have someone inside us trying to be something that we are not, our alter ego…..I have mine too.

Just on an Impulse…

Well actually I was wanting to write something but didn’t know what to write so I started having thoughts of what I was watching or looking at in my day to day life and what ways do I make use of different machines, tools or gadgets…. now this may sound old fashioned but I tell you it is a wonderful thing to have in life, a grinder which uses a handle and elbow grease… from Coffee to Black eyed peas, to spices and what not? It’s truly an amazing gadget and I am glad that we have one, now this one is as old as I can remember and recently the plate/disc which was attached to the spindle, broke, and so I had to have it welded to the spindle back again.

At the moment I also have a weak internet connection and I don’t know when this blog will be on, maybe tomorrow or day after tomorrow… but I am keeping this on draft and waiting for the internet to come back again soon…

 

Kunde – Black Eyed beans [Maybe]

Machine and grinding

 

on the other note, Fr. Salvatore  [Salvo for short] is working in Migoli and he is one cool dude. He has his church from Italy supporting him for the orphanage that he runs and he has a good reputation with people including the Regional Commissioner and the District Commissioner too, and all the top officials. He is a person that I admire and trust and also [apart from me wanting to be more friendlier with him, I think he is very cute and charming and HANDSOME] check him out,… I guess I have something for men in uniforms or man of cloth…. yes? [did you read this Paolo]….???  And so h came with 6 of his children from the orphanage in Migoli and they had meal here at the cafe, and the kids are lovely and well behaved and well, he is doing a wonderful job of bringing them up and dedicating his life there. [See the link above]